Why didn’t you say so? What those silly wine descriptions really mean

Silly wine descriptions
Look closely, and you can see the gentian and the buddleia.

Those silly wine descriptions weren’t really about wine, but Star Wars and Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Last week’s post about silly wine descriptions, courtesy of John Tilson at the Underground Wine Letter, elicited any number of comments – some of which I can actually reproduce here.

Tilson found three truly silly wine reviews, one of which included this line: “texturally silken, supremely elegant effort transparently and kaleidoscopically combines moss, wet stone, gentian, buddleia, coriander, pepper, piquant yet rich nut oils and a saline clam broth savor. …”

Apparently, I’m not the only one who thought it was a bit excessive. My email offered a variety of interpretations, and I followed those up with several other possible explanations:

• “Wasn’t Buddleia the hero of the Gentian Sector in the second Star Wars prequel?” asked Dave McIntyre, the Washington Post wine critic.

• Because I’m a Star Trek fan: Wasn’t saline clam broth savor something like gagh, one of the Klingon dishes that Riker enjoyed in The Next Generation episode, “A Matter of Honor”?

• Or perhaps it was this diner’s favorite nibble in Monty Python’s Meaning of Life?

• Women’s makeup similar to the $1,115 Guerlain Black Orchid, only made with moss, wet stone, coriander, pepper, and piquant yet rich nut oils, instead of the “sensoriality and efficacy” that is the “strength and power of the Black Orchid?”

• The texturally silken and kaleidoscopically weed-infused of plot of 1993’s “Dazed and Confused?”

• And, from the Italian Wine Guy, whose education was obviously much more classical: “ In Xanadu did Kubla Khan/ a stately pleasure dome decree:/ Where Alph, the sacred river, ran/ Through caverns measureless to man/ Down to a sunless sea of gentian, buddleia and moss. …”

3 thoughts on “Why didn’t you say so? What those silly wine descriptions really mean

  • By Richard -

    I think Kaleidoscopically Combines Moss and Wet Stone are “dispensary artists in Portland, Oregon… Not sure if they’re married or not… but believe they’re business partners…

    • By Wine Curmudgeon -

      That’s pretty damn brilliant, Richard.

  • By Anthony Aellen -

    It always amazes me that so many of these folks have a “pretentious phrase room”. Who installs these things? Out of work classical English majors? Ever wonder why wine consumption is so low in this country? Maybe, just maybe, if people could understand what the hell your describing they would consume it regularly, like a glass every night! Wow go figure! Just say’n

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