This 1982 Black Tower TV commercial reminds us that TV wine ads don’t improve with age
Black Tower is a German wine, best known for its black bottle. In the 1970s and 1980s, when U.S. wine drinkers wanted sweet white wine, Black Tower played off Blue Nun’s success to enjoy a bit of popularity before heading to the back shelves of the liquor store. Where it remains, for $8 a bottle, in case you’re curious.
Which brings us to this bizarre Black Tower TV commercial from 1982. The brand’s marketing types probably thought they had to distance it from Blue Nun’s image, so they made it much more manly. A deep, dark voice reminds us the wine comes “in the towering black bottle” while faux Wagner music plays in the background. Frankly, after watching this, it feels like it’s time to conquer Europe.
The catch, of course, is that Black Tower was about as manly as a baby diaper. It was a sweet, soft wine, and the commercial crams that information in even though it doesn’t quite fit the rest of the ad. Plus, there’s a blond woman eating an apple, because all wine commercials have to have blond women (though I’m not quite sure why the apple).
Like I said, bizarre.
So one more example of the sad state of TV wine ads, whether today or 36 years ago. Is it wonder I worry about the future of the wine business?
Who knew getting drunk on camera was the best way for your video to go viral on YouTube?
If you write for the Internet, you spend a disproportionate amount of your day worrying about visitor numbers, bounce rate, click throughs, and other assorted metrics.
What a waste of time.
That’s because content doesn’t necessarily matter – going viral on YouTube does. The authority is a British website called The Register, which tracks just such Internet shenanigans. It advises those of us who do this for a living to forget about trying to inform anyone, but to:
“Drink. Lots. Fratboy antics rack up views like no one’s business, dude. So grab yourself a bottle of cheap beer/spirits/cleaning fluid, set your webcam going, and prepare for fame. If you can manage to be sick at the end of it, so much the better.”
Its case in point in this video, “An American Drunk,” posted by gogo22. As near as I can tell, the guy in the video is listening to a French language lesson while drinking four bottles of French wine (the infamously cheap L’Epayrie Blanc, about $5 a bottle). And, as the Register advises, getting drunk.
The video is too long – more than five minutes – and too static to seem to have much of a chance of going viral. I’ve been told the best viral candidates should be short, direct, immediate and feature a cute animal or baby. But I did start writing on a typewriter with carbon paper, so what do I know about 21st century technology?
You can judge for yourself – the video is at the end of the post. Hopefully, this isn’t a feature I need to add to the blog.
We’ve lamented the state of restaurant wine on the blog quite a bit this year, and it’s always one of the most common questions I get when I talk to wine drinkers. But lamentable is nothing new. Even James Bond, the coolest spy in the world, must endure it.
Witness this scene from “Diamonds are Forever.” You’d think a Bond villain posing as a waiter would know that a claret is a red wine from Bordeaux. How else is he is going to be able to kill Bond without being killed himself?
The Wine Curmudgeon laughed so hard at this video that I woke up one of my dogs.
Want to know how badly the wine business has educated wine drinkers? Then watch this 2:08 animated short, courtesy of downtowndonald at YouTube. The best exchange? How about: “I don’t like red wine.” “Too bad. This got 95 points.” “Then I’ll buy a case.”
And a word about Xtranormal, the software used to make this video: It was brilliant, and allowed anyone with basic computer skills to make funny little movies. I did a couple of videos here, as well as other sites I have written for over the years. But it disappeared in 2013, and I have never found anything to replace it. If anyone knows of an alternative, let me know.
And a tip o’ the Curmudgeon’s fedora to Kermit Woodall for helping me rescue this post when it vanished for about 18 hours during was I switched servers for the blog.
The Wine Curmudgeon mentions this as part of my decades-long campaign to demystify the wine business, on the assumption that consumers will drink more wine and enjoy it more if they understand it. Also, to remind my colleagues that most U.S. wine drinkers don’t care about toasty and oaky, points, or orange wine. They want affordable quality, and quality is not measured by most of the foolishness we bore them with.
Because, as another video participant says, “Oh, these wines, they really taste like something you’d pour on a cut.”
The Wine Curmudgeon has often lamented the quality of wine humor, but here is something that’s not only funny, but entirely too accurate. Consider just these two lines from a fake commercial for a product called Second Cheapest Wine: “You don’t know much about wine, but you do know that you shouldn’t get the cheapest. That’s why we make it easy for you to get the Second Cheapest.”
The bit takes on restaurants, wine snobs, wine education, and wine stores — and all in only 1:19. And with impressive production values. This is so good, in fact, that I should send the authors a copy of the cheap wine book.