Tag Archives: wine humor

2019 Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions

Do-it-yourself New Year's wine resolutionsThe Wine Curmudgeon’s sixth annual Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions — because in 2019, w’re going to need all the help we can get

Just click on the drop-down menus and select your wine resolutions for the new year. Those who get the blog via email or RSS may need to click this link to go the blog to use the menus.

In 2019, I’m going to follow trends and:

In 2019, I’ll buy more wine at:

In 2019, I’m going to read the Wine Curmudgeon because:

In 2019, I’m going to drink:

In 2019, I will buy:

More New Year’s wine resolutions:
Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2018
Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2017
Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2016

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: The cheap wine version

Night before ChristmasWith abject apologies to whoever actually wrote the “Night Before Christmas“(as well as to Mrs. Kramsky from the seventh grade, who warned me about my poetry)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that the Wine Curmudgeon soon would be there.

And Mamma and I were nestled all snug in our bed;
While visions of cheap wine danced in our heads;
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature keyboard without any reindeer,
Instead a bearded typist so full of high dudgeon,
I knew in a moment it must be the Wine Curmudgeon.

More rapid than eagles his cheap wines they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Tariquet! Now, Falesco! Now, McManis! Now, Bogle!”
“On, Bonnet! On, Bieler! On, Charles and Charles!”

“To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!”
“Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
Down the chimney he came and landed on one foot;
His hat and his glasses all tarnished with soot;

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
The last thing I expected was his cranky, middle-aged self
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the wine racks, and did not lurk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his keyboard and the clatter was endless;
And I heard him exclaim, ere he typed out of sight:

“Quality cheap wine to all, and to all a good night!”

Halloween wine tales 2018

halloween wine taleNo Halloween wine tale for 2018. But you can read the previous six and enjoy. Because who else can combine wine, classic characters, and Halloween?

A Halloween wine tale 2017: Dr. Who
A Halloween wine tale 2016: Kolchak: The Wine Stalker
A Halloween wine tale 2015: I am Legend
A Halloween wine tale 2014: Frankenstein
A Halloween wine tale 2013: Dracula

podcast

“Australian table wines” – because those of us who love wine need a good laugh these days

Monty Python’s “Australian table wines” reminds us the wine business has always been worth a giggle or two

Perspective is all in wine, so that with all is going on around us, this 1972 Monty Python sketch called “Australian table wine,” in which every wine cliché that makes us crazy was making people crazy then, too. Welsh claret, anyone?

The bit is from the group’s third album, “Monty Python’s Previous Record,” dating to a time when comedy records were hugely popular. In fact, owning Python’s 1973 “Matching Tie and Handkerchief” was about as cool as it got for a certain group of young men 45 years ago.

The Pythons didn’t do “Australian table wines” on the TV series, so there is only audio. But it’s more than worth listening to the entire 1:38, and not just for the wine bits. It also points out how the Pythons loved to send up Australians. Right, Bruce? How could anyone not appreciate a wine called Melbourne Old & Yellow, “Another good fighting wine … which is particularly heavy and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.”

Audio courtesy of Monty Python-Topic, via YouTube.

Corks: The most dangerous wine closure in the world

Watch this video, and you’ll understand how dangerous corks are

The Wine Curmudgeon will make no other comment on the following, other than this: “This young man would not have nearly blown up his kitchen if all wines had screwcaps.”

The complete story is here, via BuzzFeed. Lawrence Guo of San Leandro, Calif., wanted to open a bottle of rose, but his corkscrew broke. Disaster then ensued. He tried opening the bottle with a lighter, similar to a video he had seen on YouTube (and which we have detailed here).

When that didn’t work, he used the flame on a gas stove. The results were, in Guo’s words, disastrous – “we could have died,” he said. The bottle shattered, glass flew everywhere, and Guo and his friend were lucky to avoid injury.

He offers a lengthy explanation about what went wrong, quoting thermal shock, molecular vapor expansion, and vapor pressure. But we know the real reason.

Corks.

“We tried everything we could to open it, but the cork wouldn’t budge,” Guo told Buzzfeed. “I would advise to wear some better protective gear covering vital body parts if this were to be replicated.”

None of which you need with a screwcap.

Five things the WC’s wine refrigerator has in common with the French presidential wine cellar

presidential wine cellar

The WC’s wine fridge is always open to the public.

Who says you have to have a presidential wine cellar to show off your wine collection?

The wine cellar in France’s presidential palace welcomed the public for the first time in its 71-year history over the weekend. This is a big deal, given that France has long been held as the world’s greatest wine producing country. And how many wine aficionados would want to see how the cellar’s 14,000 bottles reflected that?

But who says you have to have a presidential wine cellar to show off your wine collection? “Voulez-vous un verre de Bogle sauvignon blanc, Monsieur le Président? Ou peut-être un verre de Texas tempranillo?”

Hence, five things my wine refrigerator has in common with the French presidential wine cellar.

1. One quarter of the cellar’s bottles are from Burgundy, while half are from Bordeaux. I used to have a bottle of Bordeaux in the wine fridge, and actually have two bottles of white Burgundy in it now.

2. Among the bottles in the cellar are Cheval Blanc, Latour and Puligny-Montrachet, as well as a 1906 Sauternes. I visited Cheval Blanc during my epic Bordeaux adventure, sampled a terrific Latour at a trade tasting many years ago, and the Big Guy and I drink Puligny with some regularity. Plus, I enjoyed a glass of Sauternes (not 1906, however) in May during a half-price restaurant promotion.

3. Some 1,200 bottles were auctioned from the cellar in 2013. I have given away not quite that many bottles (samples, mostly) to friends and dinner guests, as well as to plumbers, electricians, and the like in exchange for work around the house.

4. French President Emmanuel Macron is apparently a wine geek who fared well in a recent blind tasting. Plus, he drinks wine with lunch and dinner. I drink wine with dinner, but not as often at lunch as I would like. And, despite my incredible wine geekiness, I am a notoriously bad blind taster.

5. This weekend’s guests will be shown a gold-engraved 2000 vintage of Mouton Rothschild and a 2004 Chateau Margaux. I have never seen bottles from those producers, let alone tasted them. But I have heard of them.

“Initials? We don’t need no stinkin’ initials”

Bogey finds out what it’s like to deal with sommeliers — and they don’t need no stinkin’ initials

What happens when Bogey meets a group of sommeliers in the Mexican wilderness? It’s not pretty — and especially since they don’t need no stinkin’ initials.

My apologies to John Huston and Humphrey Bogart (as well as to anyone else who loves film) for doing this to “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre.” A tip o’ the WC’s fedora to Wayne Belding, MS, who gave me the idea, as well as to WineParody, whose Robert Parker epic is the standard by which these efforts are judged.

Make sure you turn captions on when you watch the video; you can make the captions bigger or change their color by clicking on the settings gear on the lower right. Also, MovieClips, which allowed me to use the scene, may insert advertising or other content that I’m not responsible for.