Tag Archives: wine comedy

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The eighth annual do-it-yourself wine review

old white guys
You can live in your basement if you want — we’re drinking $500 wine.

The blog’s eighth annual do-it-yourself wine review — because, premiumization. Do we need any other reason?

The Wine Curmudgeon has been tasting roses costing $20 and up this year — not necessarily because I want to, but because more marketers than ever want to send me $20 rose samples. Which leads to the first question: Don’t they know who I am?

Which leads to the second question: Is it any wonder I worry about the future of the wine business?

So, for the eighth annual do-it-yourself wine review, four reviews for wine that costs much more than it’s worth, the kind of wine that only a winery CFO and its marketing team could love. (As always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the idea from him all those years ago.)

Again this year, you’ll need to go to the old website to enjoy the post, since Substack doesn’t allow the necessary coding. So follow this link, and then click the drop-down menu and choose your favorite line.

This Napa Valley cabernet sauvignon:

This Italian Super Tuscan:

This French red Bordeaux:

This celebrity rose:

Photo: Kampus Production from Pexels

More do-it-yourself wine reviews:
The seventh do-it-yourself wine review
The sixth do-it-yourself wine review
The fifth do-it-yourself wine review

wine critics

The seventh annual do-it-yourself wine review

wine reviews
Let’s see: “This rose tastes like a red when you close your eyes.” Now that’s wine writing!

The blog’s seventh annual do-it-yourself wine review — because no matter how much we hope otherwise, wine remains entirely too pompous

The do-it-yourself wine review has long been one of my favorite blog features, allowing me to prick wine’s pomposity, get some humor on the site, and pretend I know how to use HTML.

This year: Four rose wine reviews, and yes, I sort of stole most of the answers from actual reviews. As always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the idea from him all those years ago.

This year, you’ll need to go to the old website to enjoy the post, since Substack doesn’t allow the necessary coding. So follow this link, and then click the drop-down menu and choose your favorite line.

 

This California rose:

This French rose:

This Italian rose:

This Spanish rose:

More do-it-yourself wine reviews:
The sixth do-it-yourself wine review
The fifth do-it-yourself wine review
The fourth do-it-yourself wine review

wine critics

The sixth do-it-yourself wine review

do-it-yourself wine review
I’m really going to have to practice if I ever hope to write as well as this.

The blog’s sixth annual do-it-yourself wine review — what better way to enjoy the duration than to poke fun at wine?

Technology keeps threatening to make wine reviews obsolete, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still revel in the snobbish gibberish that has made them infamous. Hence, the blog’s sixth annual do-it-yourself wine review.

So write your own wine review, using the drop-down menus in this post. Just click the menu and choose your favorite line. Those of you who get the blog via email may have to go to the website — click here to do so.

As always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the idea from him. This year, the format is a little different — reviews of four wines. A special tip of the WC’s fedora to those who contributed classic lines.

This French red blend:

This California cabernet sauvignon:

This Italian Prosecco:

This $50 rose:

More do-it-yourself wine reviews:
The fifth do-it-yourself wine review
The fourth do-it-yourself wine review
The third do-it-yourself wine review

wine critics

The do-it-yourself “Wine during the duration” post

do-it-yourself wine
“Let me finish this glass, and I’ll see if I can find that Boston doctor thing. It has to be around here somewhere.”

What better way to idle away the hours than with a do-it-yourself “wine during the duration” post?

The blog’s annual do-it-yourself posts are some of its most popular: the do-it-yourself wine New Year’s resolutions and wine review. They allow us to skewer wine’s pomposity and, if I’ve done a good job, offer a few giggles. So why not a do-it-yourself  “wine during the duration” post?

So take a look at these suggestions for spending your time with wine during the duration. Use the drop-down menus, click the answer, and choose your favorite line. And keep in mind that some people think drinking wine during the duration, including a certain Boston doctor, will kill us sooner rather than later.

Those of you who get the blog via email may have to go to the website — click here to do so. As always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the do-it-yourself idea from him.

The first thing I did after I had to stay at home was to:

My duration buying patterns have changed:

My duration drinking patterns have changed:

The biggest wine problem I’ve had during the duration has been:

All in all, I’d say wine during the duration:

wine critics

The fifth do-it-yourself wine review

do it yourself
Drinky gets it now: How could he have missed the red wine’s playful mushu pork elements?

Once more, we take aim at winespeak and pomposity — the blog’s fifth do-it-yourself wine review.

The annual do-it-yourself wine review remains one of the most popular posts on the blog. And why not? You too can sound just as foolish as those of us who get paid to do it. Because doesn’t everyone want to write something as memorable as “My, I find this wine to be complex yet simple in its approach to life. It lifts my spirits and appeals to my inner child while satisfying my need to be an adult.”

So write your own wine review, using the drop-down menus in this post. Just click the menu and choose your favorite line. Those of you who get the blog via email may have to go to the website — click here to do so.

As always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the idea from him, plus Luke Rissacher’s wine review generator and Lawrence Sinclair at Quora, from whom I also stole some great stuff.

In the glass, this red wine:

I smelled the wine, and:

I tasted the wine, and:

All in all, I’d say the wine:

More do-it-yourself wine reviews:
The second do-it-yourself wine review
The third do-it-yourself wine review
The fourth do-it-yourself wine review

Winebits 581: Wine humor, Cooper’s Hawk, wine palates

wine humorThis week’s wine news: Even The Onion can’t make wine humor funny, plus Cooper’s Hawk may be for sale and women may not have better palates than men

Still not funny: The Onion, which can make almost anything funny, can’t do it with wine. A recent effort mostly recycled the cliches that have bored millions for decades, including this: “MYTH: Red wine lowers blood pressure. FACT: It’s probably not great that you’re so eager to justify drinking poison.” The blog has long considered why so much wine humor isn’t funny, but to no avail. One would think that wine offers so many targets that it would make us laugh without any effort. But apparently not. One scholarly paper, without naming wine, does offer an explanation about how humor works, and wine doesn’t really fit into any of them. Could it be that wine is so boring and cliched that wine humor is an oxymoron?

On the market? Cooper’s Hawk, the Illinois-based winery and restaurant with 25 units in nine states, may be the next target for restaurant conglomerate Darden, which owns Olive Garden and LongHorn Steakhouse. Ron Ruggles of Nation’s Restaurant News reports that the chain fits “quite well with what Darden would ideally seek.” And the 325,000-member wine club and 30 percent annual sales growth probably don’t hurt, either. The Wine Curmudgeon once judged with Cooper’s Hawk founder Tim McEnery at the Indy International, and famously told him the concept didn’t sound like it would be too successful.

Wine palates: Do women have better palates than man? That has been accepted for as long as I’ve been writing about wine, but one study says it may not be true. Research using wine competition scores says men and women taste wine with equal precision, something that bothered me when I read it. That’s because wine judging isn’t exactly tasting. As one expert says in the story, judging “is not very good sensory [evaluation] …. The sheer number of wines they go through in that time frame is hugely fatiguing. There has been some interesting work that shows that wine judging is very inconsistent.” So more work needs to be done.