Category:Wine humor

Silly wine advice: “I would pair this with a nice microwavable macaroni and cheese”

Sometimes, all we can do is laugh and be glad for silly wine advice

Hence, this fine effort from HelloGiggles on Youtube, which pretty much sums up what the rest of the world thinks about wine drinkers. Call it silly wine advice from the masses.

My other favorite part? The spitting when the woman finds out how much the wine costs. Which, come to think of it, also happens in the wine world — or at least it happens when I read the tasting notes and see what the wine costs. Do you think I can get my own show on the Food Network?

More about wine and humor:
Birthday card wine wisdom
Nine silly wine facts
Redd’s Wicked Apple: “Let’s make fun of wine”

Coming soon to the WC: Computer-generated wine reviews

computer-generated wine reviews

“Damn. … where is that neural network when I need it?”

A little Python, some neural network command line work, and the blog can start posting computer-generated wine reviews

Sooner rather than later, I’m going to post computer-generated wine reviews on the blog. Thanks to the Lifehacker website, all I need are some basic Python programing skills. Or, even better, find a Python-savvy volunteer from among the blog’s sophisticated and erudite audience who wants to help “write” them.

We’ve followed the advances in artificial intelligence that makes these reviews possible for several years. Barbara Ehrenreich, writing in the New York Times, said that “the business of book reviewing could itself be automated and possibly improved by computers.” And writing one kind of review isn’t all that different from writing another kind.

The point here? That wine has become so mechanized and so predictable that we can probably get acceptable Winestream Media-style reviews from an artificial intelligence. It’s probably even possible to teach the machine to give scores – a delicious irony that is reason enough to make this work.

Lifehacker’s Beth Skawrecki writes that machine-written reviews are more possible than ever thanks to advances in neural networks. A neural network is “a type of [artificial intelligence] modeled on the network-like nature of our own brains. You train a neural network by giving it input: recipes, for example. The network strengthens some of the connections between its neurons (imitation brain cells) more than others as it learns. The idea is that it’s figuring out the rules of how the input works: which letters tend to follow others, for example. Once the network is trained, you can ask it to generate its own output, or to give it a partial input and ask it to fill in the rest.”

For our purposes, we would tell the computer what chardonnay is supposed to taste like, where the grapes were grown, information about the vintage and the winemaker’s style, and the price. Then, we can “teach” it to interpret that information to write the review – that chardonnay from California is different in certain ways from chardonnay from France, for example.

Now, to brush up on my Python.

More about computer-generated wine reviews:
Winecast 30: Arty, the first artificial intelligence wine writer
Do we really need wine writers?

“So simple, so cheap:” Home-made apple wine

Home-made apple wine: “A perfectly passable table wine.”

There are any number of reasons to love this video from BrewTube — the narrator’s English accent, the addition of oak chips to the fermenting apple juice, and his conclusion: “A perfectly passable table wine.” The bravest among you might want to try this and let me know about the passable part.

I post this for a couple of reasons. First, my El Centro class ended this week, and one of the highlights this year — as it is every year — is the anecdote about making wine from orange juice. I always start the first lecture with the orange juice story: If you want to make wine, take a bottle of orange juice, put it in the back of the refrigerator, and you’ll get wine in a couple of weeks.

The wine may not be very good, but it is wine since the sugar has been converted to alcohol. More importantly, it demonstrates that winemaking is more than just the technical stuff. Not a lot of terroir in fermented orange juice. There’s also the bit about the student who had been in prison, and had done this in his cell, but that’s a story for another day.

Second, because I once tried making wine at home, using grape juice and the method in this video. The less said, the better, other than to note I had to dump 64 ounces of moldy grape juice down the sink.

Back label wine descriptions: What the jumble and winespeak on the back label really means

Back label wine descriptionsBack label wine descriptions can be as confusing as anything written by wine critics

The recent post about wine critics and their almost indecipherable wine descriptions reminded me that they aren’t the only ones whose goal is confusion and obfuscation. We also have back label wine descriptions for that.

In fact, back label wine descriptions may be more annoying, since their job is to help sell the wine. Who wants to buy a wine where the back label promises something that isn’t there? I’m not the only one flustered by this; a marketing official for one of the largest wine companies in the world told me it bothers good marketers, too. But many of the biggest producers contract the back label writing to third parties, so they’re stuck with what they get.

The other annoying thing? Yes, many of the worst examples come from cheap wine, but many also come from wine costing as much as $25. And what does that say about the $25 wine?

The following are taken from actual back label wine descriptions, with my explanation of what they really mean:

• Silky mouth feel: “We’ve removed the acidity and tannins and added sugar to cover up anything remotely resembling either, just in case any is still in the wine.”

• Unusual fruits like lychee nut and guava: Most wine drinkers probably haven’t tasted those, so the description does two things – first, shows that even a $6 bottle of wine can be exotic. Second, that the wine is deep and complex, even when it only costs $6. So shut up and buy it already. But then there is the other side of the descriptor.

• An alluring hint. … : “The flavor isn’t actually there, but if we suggest it, you’ll probably taste it and think the wine is better than it is.”

• Robust, with intense, dark fruits: “We’ve added as much Mega Purple as humanly possible.”

• A mocha finish with lingering oak: Regular readers here know what that is without any help from me – scorching amounts of fake oak, and then even more. And maybe even a little bit more just to be on the safe side.

• Freshly picked peaches (or apricots or even red fruit like cherries): “You’re damn right it’s sweet. But we’re not going to say that, are we?”

• A long, stony finish: “We couldn’t get rid of that odd, bitter taste in the wine, and we didn’t want to add any more sugar. So we want you to think that the bitterness is a good thing.”

The not quite 2018 April Fool’s wine post

april fool's wine postWhy write an April Fool’s wine post this year when so much of the wine business already makes us laugh?

The Wine Curmudgeon didn’t write an April Fool’s wine post this year. For one thing, too many people believed last year’s post, that the Wine Spectator bought the blog. I’m not sure if that speaks to our post-modern media world, or merely highlights my brilliant writing. It’s probably more of the first, though I prefer to think it’s the latter.

For another, the wine world has become so weird that I don’t have to make anything up to make people laugh. Apothic’s coffee-flavored wine, anyone? Or zombie virtual reality wine labels? Or Amazon’s employee-less store – unless you want to buy wine? Or the high-end wine review website that charges its highest subscription fee not to consumers, but to members of the wine trade?

And this doesn’t take into account how Google brings visitors to the blog, which is about as surreal as it gets. I’m more or less the only professional wine writer who takes cheap wine seriously, but that doesn’t stop these Google-driven types from complaining that I don’t appreciate cheap wine. Or criticizing what one commenter called my “holier than thou” attitude. Which, of course, leads to an even more surreal question: If I don’t and if I am, what am I doing here?

So I hope you had an enjoyable April Fool’s Day yesterday. The links for previous April Fool’s wine posts areat the bottom of this post if you want a chuckle or two.

And remember – in a wine world where critically acclaimed, $25 wine can contain fake oak, a boost in color from something like Mega Purple, and tree sap, who needs to celebrate April 1 just once a year? Every day can be April Fool’s Day.

More April 1 wine news:
Wine Curmudgeon will sell blog to Wine Spectator
Big Wine to become one company
Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it
Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system

Why didn’t you say so? What those silly wine descriptions really mean

Silly wine descriptions

Look closely, and you can see the gentian and the buddleia.

Those silly wine descriptions weren’t really about wine, but Star Wars and Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Last week’s post about silly wine descriptions, courtesy of John Tilson at the Underground Wine Letter, elicited any number of comments – some of which I can actually reproduce here.

Tilson found three truly silly wine reviews, one of which included this line: “texturally silken, supremely elegant effort transparently and kaleidoscopically combines moss, wet stone, gentian, buddleia, coriander, pepper, piquant yet rich nut oils and a saline clam broth savor. …”

Apparently, I’m not the only one who thought it was a bit excessive. My email offered a variety of interpretations, and I followed those up with several other possible explanations:

• “Wasn’t Buddleia the hero of the Gentian Sector in the second Star Wars prequel?” asked Dave McIntyre, the Washington Post wine critic.

• Because I’m a Star Trek fan: Wasn’t saline clam broth savor something like gagh, one of the Klingon dishes that Riker enjoyed in The Next Generation episode, “A Matter of Honor”?

• Or perhaps it was this diner’s favorite nibble in Monty Python’s Meaning of Life?

• Women’s makeup similar to the $1,115 Guerlain Black Orchid, only made with moss, wet stone, coriander, pepper, and piquant yet rich nut oils, instead of the “sensoriality and efficacy” that is the “strength and power of the Black Orchid?”

• The texturally silken and kaleidoscopically weed-infused of plot of 1993’s “Dazed and Confused?”

• And, from the Italian Wine Guy, whose education was obviously much more classical: “ In Xanadu did Kubla Khan/ a stately pleasure dome decree:/ Where Alph, the sacred river, ran/ Through caverns measureless to man/ Down to a sunless sea of gentian, buddleia and moss. …”

The fourth do-it-yourself wine review

do it yourself

Drinky appreciates white wine with fresh stone fruit and citrus aromas and flavors.

How else to combat the foolishness in so many wine reviews? Hence, the fourth  do-it-yourself wine review.

The fourth do-it-yourself wine review gives you a chance to play wine snob, wine geek, and wine know it all, just like so many who do it professionally. Why deprive yourself of writing: “The strawberry, rhubarb, blueberry and cranberry flavors are juicy and fresh, with plenty of purity and oomph, offering a firm backbone. Dried herb, fresh earthy loam and spice notes linger, but the fruit continues to sing out on the finish.”

So write your own wine review, using the drop-down menus in this post. Just click the menu and choose your favorite line. Those of you who get the blog via email may have to go to the website — click here to do so.

And, as always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the idea from him.

In the glass, this white wine:

I smelled the wine, and:

I tasted the wine, and:

All in all, I’d say the wine:

More do-it-yourself wine reviews:
The first do-it-yourself wine review
The second do-it-yourself wine review
The third do-it-yourself wine review