Four of the biggest U.S. wine companies, which control almost half of the American market, announced today they will merge to form one company — The GalConTreas Group.
“It seemed really counterproductive to be competing against each other since we already dominate the market, most of our wines taste exactly alike, and consumers don’t know the difference anyway,” said a spokeswoman for the new company, which will close all of its facilities but one and fire all of its employees except those a personnel review deems “absolutely necessary.” In fact, the spokeswoman used the words “synergies” and “cost savings efficiences” 173 times during the news conference that announced the merger.
The new CalConTreas Group will revolutionize wine production by taking advantage of those synergies and cost savings efficiencies, said the spokewoman. For example, instead of the thousands and thousands of tanks and barrels each producer uses, the single The GalConTreas Group winery will have just one, factory sized, with thousands of separate spigots for each brand the new company produces.
Said the spokeswoman: “Red, white, varietal character? Does the average consumer really care? Or understand any of that wine writer foolishness? Of course not. All they want is smooth and fruity wine, and baby, that’s what we’re going to give them. And we’re going to premiumize it!”
Reaction to the announcement:
• The U.S. Justice Department and Federal Trade Commission immediately approved the merger. Their only concern? That it included just four of the biggest companies, instead of the eight biggest and their 60 percent market share. “Because, if you’re going to create a monopoly, what’s the point of not doing it right?” asked a Justice attorney.
• Fred Franzia, whose Bronco Wine is the fifth biggest producer in the country, announced Bronco would merge with itself. “If those people think they can get away with this without taking Fred Franzia into account, they’ve got another thing coming,” he said.
• The Wine Spectator said it would produce a special section in upcoming magazines featuring The CalConTreas Group wines, and that each of the new company’s wines would get 92 points.
• The eight biggest distributors in the country, which control two-thirds of the market, said they would merge into one company to better serve The GalConTreas Group, and used the words “synergies” and “cost savings efficiencies” 342 times in their announcement.
• Legendary Internet blogger Jeff Siegel, the Wine Curmudgeon, who predicted these developments in a 2015 blog post, declined to comment. However, a person with close ties to Siegel said he was sitting in a dark corner, mumbling something that sounded like “The horror, the horror,” and hoarding cheap Gascon and Sicilian wine.
More April 1 wine news:
• Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it
• Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas